How to Road Trip, a general guideline.

[SlimSkeeter]

They say you never really know someone until you travel with them, and there’s nothing like a road trip to reveal someone’s true Buddha nature. Much poetic waxing has been spent on the lure of the open road—with too little attention paid to the harsh reality of several consecutive days of living in a car. Before embarking on a road trip you must set certain absolutes in place. As someone who’s been on over 100 road trips ranging from 90 to 2,500 miles, I can confidently tell you that in order to experience any measure of success on the road you must heed my advice, outlined below.

It is the destination, after all
The question ‘If you don’t know where you’re going how will you know you’ve arrived?’ sounds like a chapter heading from one of those business books with a guy in a tie giving the thumbs-up on the cover, but I assure you this is practically the ultimate Zen koan of the road. Bear in mind ‘five days,’ or any other specified amount of time is as equally an acceptable destination as any star on a map. The primary reason is not so you will know when you’ve arrived, but more practically so you can gauge when to turn your ass around and head home. Not making it back in time for something important because somebody in the car demanded that we all stop for a tour of the Alamo can not only ruin an otherwise perfect road trip—but otherwise perfect relationships.

No bombshells
There is something intimate and hypnotic about riding in a car with others for long stretches of time. Riders may feel safe and relaxed—remember the position of car seats prevents easy eye contact, thus setting up a non-confrontational environment. Still, resist confessional urges—this is a poor time to announce you’d like to see other people, are gay, or are worried an embezzlement charge will catch up with you when you return from vacation.

Don’t try to corner rats
It’s a fact when rats are cornered, they attack. Stuck in a car for days on end is not the right time to try and find out if your boyfriend thinks you’re prettier than his ex, if your girlfriend really likes your mom, or what the guys from your band’s honest opinion is about that thing you do on stage with the jumping. In other words, don't ask if you don't REALLY want to know, because the answer may make the trip feel incredibly long.

Your hair looks fine
On the road even the most meticulous must let go of the expectations they have of their hair. Strange water, sample-size shampoos, the wind, and tiny mirrors all conspire to make your hair so willful it may seem like an additional passenger at times. Let it go. This isn’t about looking good, it’s about feeling something new; all new feelings worth their salt eventually mess up your hair. You are not trying to impress anyone out there.

Driver controls the music
Passenger gets two vetoes per three hours or 150 miles, whichever comes first. No exceptions.

No bogarting the Twizzlers
Share and share alike. If your passenger is asleep you may eat their candy, but you must be prepared to make a pit stop to replace it within 30 minutes of their waking up, subject to their request. Road-trip snacks should not be underestimated.

Motel 6, Ritz Carlton, or KOA?
Have a sleeping strategy everyone agrees on in place before you leave. Sleeping IN the car is only acceptable for naps and bad weather if camping.

The road wants what it wants
Some are inspired to be chatty, others find long car trips more meditative. Driver can call ‘Quiet,’ and it can last 30 minutes out of every 90 they are behind the wheel. Similarly there may be stretches of the trip where at least one person who is not driving needs to keep the driver company. You may resent this duty, but losing a little beauty sleep beats losing your head if the driver drifts off to sleep.

The trunk is the only place for storage
It’s tempting to crap up the back seat with a bunch of junk for easy access, but the only items allowed in the car are snacks, a small cooler, camera, CDs (or a tapes if you still roll like that), one book or magazine per person, sunglasses, a map, and a light sweater. Otherwise the physical chaos permeates into the psychic space. Sounds a little new age, but I assure you this is old-school wisdom.

You’ll never see those people again
This means it’s perfectly okay to let go, ask for directions, look a mess, visit the Mystery Spot, or play Journey on the jukebox. Hell, go crazy! Do something you have always wanted to do but didn't have the balls because you would have to deal with the same people again.

The medium is the message
On a road trip it’s best to do road-trip things. If you want to be fancy or you have a low tolerance for inconvenience, then the road trip is not for you. Exploring small towns, interacting with strangers to learn about wherever you are, and eating at roadside stands that sell odd fare like fried pie (Independence, LA) and broken chicken (Pike County, KY) all require a sense of adventure and a suspension of disbelief that four-star cuisine doesn’t demand.

Finally
To the woman who worries she’d be in over her head with her boyfriend because they bicker constantly: Chances are a road trip won’t work unless you’re both ready to adhere rigidly to the rules of the road. Relationships based on constant arguments are either meant to be marriages or sitcoms. So, unless your trip is part of a reality TV show where others can extract entertainment from your misery, my sense is no good will come of it.

To the guy who wants to live in a buddy flick, grab his pals, and ‘hit the road’: I have a feeling you’re also the same guy who wouldn’t be able to get over the hair rule. People who want their lives to seem like movies also typically expect to look the part.

And to almost everyone else on earth: Pack a bag, gas up the car, and get out of here. Don’t forget Graceland is closed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every Tuesday from November through February; cell phones are to be used for outgoing emergency calls only; and every time you stop—even if you don’t have to go—at least try.

From here with a very few creative edits.

[CrAnIuM]

Indeed.

I'm not the road trip kind, being in a car for more than 12 hours gets my agent orange all itchy.

[Cúchulainn]

play Journey on the jukebox.

I did this in New Orleans. With an immediate followup by Styx, Supertramp and Rick Astley.

[Scabman]

Now there's a set of rules I'm hanging on to, in case the road-trip-through-Europe plans ever fall in place.

[D-Day]

True road trip story.
In March 2008, there was eight of us plus a dog riding back from Florida. I do all the driving, and we had made it to Effingham, Illinois. It was around 1:00 A.M. I was getting tired, and starting to hallucinate. The wife said, "why don't we stop and rest". I agreed. I wanted to stop at a rest area, she wanted to rest behind a Wendy's. So I pulled in behind this Wendy's and we stayed for 15 minutes.
I told her, "let's just get some gas, and coffee, I can drive some more."
After getting back on the highway, and driving for awhile, I noticed headlights that looked like they were comiing at me!
I was driving in the right hand lane and someone else was driving along side me in the left. The headlights coming at me were followed by two sets of police lights. Soon enough we could tell that the lights coming at us were on our side of the highway, and coming straight at the guy next to me. He started coming over into my lane, I locked up my brakes, and put the van we were in into the ditch (how we didn't roll I don't know).
So I got out and started walking back to the mile marker to see where we were at. The cops passed me by, and pulled over. They said they had caught the lady they were chasing, and they called me a tow-truck.
I didn't have enough money to pay the tow, and had to call my mom. Finally we got out, and I drove the rest of the way home,without further adventures.
I'll never forget that.

[KommieKat]

I traveled around Sicily with my Jp gf in a rented car.

We argued.
She put on a drama show in front of a crowd.
The police were called.
I was hauled to jail, for no reason.
El chefe let me go because he understood the nature of women on the road.
Made us promise not to argue.

She continued to argue 5 minutes after leaving the station.

I was REALLY REALLY close to throwing her ass out of the car.

I never contacted her again. Stupid stupid bitch.

[Deadly_Toxin]

I usually road trip solo.

[CrAnIuM]

^^ No friends.

[Saucy]

^^ No friends.

There is a quote button...jeez.

[CrAnIuM]

There is a quote button...jeez.

^^ Que ?

[Deadly_Toxin]

^^ No friends.

Dunn wannem

[SlimSkeeter]

I usually road trip solo.

^^ No friends.

Dunn wannem

Friends are a liability. Always wanting things like companionship and talking and shit.

[Deadly_Toxin]

And my caring. They usually want that too. Needy bastards.

[SlimSkeeter]

Friends are a selfish bunch... good to have around, though. You can blame them for shit.

[Deadly_Toxin]

Friends are a selfish bunch... good to have around, though. You can blame them for shit.

On the contrary. They always blame me for shit.

.. and I mean EVERYTHING.

[SlimSkeeter]

On the contrary. They always blame me for shit.

.. and I mean EVERYTHING.

Sounds like its time for a little sabotage...