SittinGrumpy
~Dying Inside~

So, my work laptop crashed, it's dead, it's an over sized paper weight now. Which meant I had to be at work super early to do my releases and reports. OH but wait, that sounds too easy right?

So, the alarm goes off and I snooze until 7:30. I jump up and I am out the door in 8 minutes. Fucking record. No coffee, no lunch, no breakfast and no mother fucking pain pills.

I get in traffic, finally get to work at 8:10. Fifty minutes before we start business, this will give me time to get my releases done. I get here and my badge will not work. Security lets me in and lectures me because my badge is bent and that is why it will not work. He tells me to come back in 30 minutes to get a new one, that someone will have to let me in the office, he cant.

I come upstairs and no one is here to let me in, so I go back down to the security desk and he says, your badge isn't broke, your company has it set where no one can come in until 8:30.

Do you know how fucking pissed I would have been had I gotten here at 7 like I was trying to?

So, IT isn't here yet, my boss isn't here yet, I have had nothing to eat, no coffee and I am fucking hurting. OH and I cannot do my reports because the templates are on my fucking laptop... you know the OVER SIZED FUCKING PAPER WEIGHT!!!!!!

Many of you know I deal with pain and depression a lot. I have not been able to shake this last bout of depression for months. I have kept to myself, not really wanting to talk to people, my facebook post are even less these days (unless its games related).

A friend of mine I have not seen since December 2003 came into NC for a beach trip and I went down to meet her. I had a great time, we sat in the ocean talking for like two hours. We swam in the pool for about two hours, we ate dinner and I drove home.

On the way home I knew I had a sunburn but I had NO clue how bad. This was a shock to me, I have never been burnt like this, in fact, I have never been more than just slightly annoyed by my clothes after spending hours in the sun.

A little back story, for the last two years I have not been allowed to be in the sun because I have been getting treatments that do not allow you to "sun". I am still not suppose to until February 2012 but I said fuck it, I wanted to be at the beach and I wanted to see my friend.

Sunday night, I couldn't sleep, Monday I worked from home. By Monday at lunch my entire back was covered in blisters, Tuesday I was at the hospital. I had second degree burns on my back and shoulders. I was in a lot of pain physically. By Friday I was in the ER with pneumonia.

Since I had never burnt hubby and I started looking at my meds, the treatments I have been getting and we found something that shocked me. The shots I get for my spine change the pigment of your skin......this is not listed on the information you sign, in fact no one has ever told me this was a side effect of these injections. I have often noticed that I am lighter then I have ever been but never thought the meds I was putting in my body were changing the pigment of my skin....... I am turning white. *sigh* this is a different blog but know I will be talking about this later.....

So what

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First and foremost on my mind for the last six months is my back.



The doctors ask how did you injure your back, when did you injure it... I can’t answer this question anymore, even if I try.

I remember in 2003 feeling a numbness in my left leg, I went to the doctor and he thought I pulled a hamstring from working out. Two months later, he thought maybe I had a blockage in my main artery in my leg, so he sent me for an ultrasound, nope, not a blockage. He put me on this medicine and for the life of me I can’t remember what it was. It was recalled a few years ago now. It helped; I went on with life with little pain but still was numb.

In 2005, I believe that is the year they recalled the medicine, I had no insurance, had been laid off from my job in 2004 and was a full-time student. I was in a lot of pain. I went to the emergency room at UNC, after falling down a flight of stairs... guess what... I had herniated disc in my lower spine. Go figure, all this time and NO ONE even thought of doing an MRI.

They attempted surgery in June of 2006 to correct the issue but I died on the table…. twice. Between my weight and I had just quit a 3 pack a day habit my lungs could not take the pressure when they tilted me. They even incubated me and they could not force air into my lungs.

Back to square one; this time spinal injections aka epidural. Say that to a woman who had one during delivery and they smile but it is not the same. You are laying face down on the table, surrounded by the x-ray tech, the doctor, a nurse and a student (UNC is a teaching hospital), pants pulled down to the middle of your ass… I wrote a song about it called my ass is in the air … not joking my favorite nurse still talks about it.

The process: ass in air, they clean the area, take x-ray, they numb you, push the needle, take x-ray, push needle, I feel it, they numb more… this process takes 30-45 minutes

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I have never had a normal cycle, never! I started my cycle at 11 years old, since then there are times I have a cycle for 30 days non stop or go two years without one; this is normal for me.

The first time I was pregnant, I felt different but every test I took (4 of them) said no; so, I continued to prepare for my wedding, which was set for May 14, 1994. On Thursday May 5, I woke up in so much pain... I couldn't get out of bed. I had no idea what was wrong. After about an hour it was better and I got ready for work, I just thought I was starting, which I was VERY VERY happy that it happened the week before the wedding and not the week of... white dress + TOM = disaster.

I went to work, I was a photographer for Olan Mills. The pain got worse as the day went on. V and his mother came to the job and took me to the ER about 8 pm that night. The doctor was doing an pap smear, he looks up at me and says "Did you know you were pregnant?" My world crumbled. No, I did not know I was pregnant, every test said NO!

I had the wedding to plan for, I couldn't stop and think about what just happened. I went back to work that Friday, first customer of the day was a 6 week old baby. I crumbled, I pushed myself against the wall to hold me up and I couldn't stop crying; All I had ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I pulled myself together, finished out a week there and left, I couldn't deal with holding babies, pregnant women and just people with families in general.

Let's skip the fertility stuff for now.... December 1994, the doctor tells me that the chances of me ever being a mother were extremely slim, my uterus was the size of a five year old and carrying to term would be almost impossible.

February 1995, V and I go to the SPCA to get a puppy. He thought I needed something to love and care for. Majic was with us until March 28, 2007 when she laid down beside me and died.

I never

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It wasn’t he first time that I have cried tears of joy since I began my weight loss, only the second. The first time it happened at Dots, a clothing store in Garner. I picked up this shirt I really wanted but I knew it wouldn’t fit. Lori told me to try it, so I did. I went into the dressing room and low and behold, it fit and OMG it looked good.

I stood there in the dressing room, crying. I couldn’t believe that I could wear a shirt from a regular store. I dried my eyes so no one could tell I was crying; I walked out so Lori could see it. To say the least I had to buy it.

Today, I got out of the shower, I was drying off, I wrapped the towel around me, looked in the mirror and I could see it. For the first time I could see that I am smaller… I screamed for my husband, he ran in thinking something was wrong. I asked him, “Do I look different to you”, he laughed as the tears rolled down my face, “Yes baby,” he responded, “everyone but you has seen it”, and he wrapped his arms around me as I continued to cry.

It feels good to finally see a difference.