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I have not been active in a while but I still come and check everyone out once in a while. I am glad to see familar faces still posting and I hope everyone is well. As for me.. see below. I think I am still seeking... insanity.

Take care...



Who me?

*What was I thinking? What was I seeking?
I am not completely ignorant yet I acted like I had no consequence.

*Once a guest within my own sanity yet now I’m destined a prisoner to this litany.
Resonating from deep within, self-hate has turned into unforgiven sin.

*Oh, the price I will pay each remaining day, but not to worry, I accept my blame.
No escape, no other route, forced to stay because there's no way out.

*I did not want to release my haunted soul. I had it trained to stay as told, deep within so none could see; buried darkly this thing inside of me.

*Can you see this beast that now is free? Can you hear the silence from that part of me?
Listen lightly for now it will be broken, by mighty pain rent and greedily woken.

*My tortured moan and groans so bare of hope… stay back; beware, lest I turn provoked. It may let loose, this blackened hardness I know so well, this desperate truth.

*Oh God, no… now I have fallen on my knees, begging and crawling, I have lost all dignity.
Mewling and slithering across the floor, I sicken myself crying for more misery.

*Shut up whore, who asked for it all. Be a woman and stand up tall.
This is the price you pay when judged to be guilty. Remember your mind so sick and filthy?

*Embrace your punishment, bear it well and do not whine. No relief will be given to you from your hell this time.

*Wait! Oh no, please no. I don’t want to hear. Shhh… there may be some relief, my sweet, sweet dear.

*If you join the darkness and breathe your last breath, perhaps you ...

Unless you are a shut-in and spend ALL of your time at home you should plan for more than one survival kit.

Carrying all the tools of the survival trade is a problem as weight becomes an issue and impacts mobility, and as such one will have to decide on what type of gear is best suited for the mission at hand.... Immediate vs Short term vs long term.

When I was a young troop and was a straight leg Infantryman my field gear/combat gear weighed up to 100 pounds at times. This was water, food, ammo, shelter, clothing and assorted items all in one pack.( mortar base plate ...extra machine gun ammo ...that shit adds up) It typically had to be packed to sustain my needs for up to 21 days in the field (with food drops being made every three to six days) In that 100 pounds I had a 35 pound assault pack, this had a smaller collection of gear, ammo and food that typically was packed to sustain myself for three days. My personal gear that stayed on my body or attached to my uniform was sufficient for a few hours of combat or maybe a 24-36 hour movement without any other gear.

Even on a strong grunt a 75 to 100 pound pack is extreme, especially when 90% of the grunt's mobility is via his feet. It takes a toll on your ability to fight and survive and that is why an Infantryman carries an assault pack so that he drop his heavy ruck in a base camp and then could do patrols and counter insurgency ops with an acceptable weight in his assault pack and still carry enough important gear to survive a moderately extended mission if need be.

So yeah, that's well and good to a dude in the military but how does that equate to you? Easy, imagine your long term bug out kit as being that troop's 100 pound ruck then imagine your short term kit to be that soldier's assault pack and lastly your personal gear or "go" bag will be equal to a soldier's butt bag, load bearing vest or immediate gear.

Just as easily you can decide ...

When I got testicular cancer, it forced me to take a look at myself. The cancer is a mild one, and theres really no realistic chance that it's life threatening.
However, it's a reminder. A reminder that I too am mortal.

Therefor, it made me take a look at myself, my ambitions and achievements so far.

And it was not a pleasent look.

The last 7 years, I have been doing fuck all. I just had a dead end job, which made me just enough money to get by. I realised it last year, and thought about doing something about it.
So I moved.
Now I live in another city, doing almost the same. I have two jobs here, mind you, but one of them is the same one I've had these past years.
I also have a student loan on some courses I never seem to finish.
So I work a day here and there, whilst waisting away in the couch playing poker waiting for better days to come.


And after I got the cancer....

Still doing fuck all.


So now I am feeling an overwhelming shame.
I am ashamed for wasting my youth, and even more ashamed for not doing anything about it.




This life is wasted on me.

It has come to the attention of my Hawk-like eyes, that in a country already split on many social issues ranging from gun control to gay marriage, the state of Oklahoma in the USA has taken the issue of abortion to dizzying new heights.

The government in Oklahoma has introduced a set of bills concerning the issue of abortion, and have made the already traumatising experience worse. The bills have been targeted by pro-choice groups for being physically intrusive and for breaches of privacy. The bill that has caught the attention of the media both in America and abroad, is one that carries the requirement for an ultrasound less than an hour before the abortion. It would transpire, that this is no ordinary abdominal ultrasound. The woman is required to be given a vaginal rather than abdominal ultrasound, which will give a better quality of picture. This would mean that the woman who is in the clinic for the abortion, already under large amounts of stress and emotional pain, is undergoing a procedure that is medically useless. In addition to this, the doctor performing this ultrasound, must tell the woman what he can see including number of fingers and toes. The bill also makes no exception for women who have been raped or were victims of incest. No provisions have been made and it seems they were simply forgotten.

I will mention at this juncture, that this description of what the doctor can see, does no purpose and will only make the woman feel worse about the decision she has made. Not all women having abortions will be those who have accidentally got pregnant. There will be many women who have wanted a child for many years, however the health of the child and/or the mother is in question. This description of the child's attributes would serve no purpose but to traumatise the mother further.

A more worrying bill is one in which the woman must answer a questionnaire of thirty-eight questions. These include questions asking the age, ...

I opened my last installment by saying that I personally thought that my boots were my number one most important item.

I chose boots for a variety of reasons but mainly stemming from my years in various straight leg infantry units but also from the fact that I've seen literally tens of thousands of refugees escaping some war torn areas and thousands of our own fellow countrymen staggering forth from the rubble of a natural calamity and one thing seemed to remain the same ...most were shoeless or at best shod in little more than canvas and skin.

So yeah, my choice was based on my already proven personal library of training and an already proven mental and physical toughness. For me, and those like me, a choice of favorite gear is one made from decades of training and personal experience. And guess what .. some of my peers will laugh at my choice and that's just fine because my choice is just that.... MINE.

That leads me to this installment's subject line : Preparation can eliminate desperation.

YOU decide what is best for YOU and YOUR family, it is YOUR choice. My way is simply a technique that I use. It is not the end all be all and I am not the definitive subject matter expert. I am simply someone that has had the opportunity and training and has had the privilege (or curse if you see it that way) to actually use that training in real world life and death situations.

Surviving a situation can be attributed to many things but lets talk about those things that you can directly influence.

PREPARE

Once upon a time I went out with a chic that was a very "in the now" type. She NEVER prepared for anything in advance, and this made for a very maddening relationship. Had it not been for her incredibly hot ass and unprecedented tits I would have spent no more than 10 minutes on the ditz queen.


Anyway... the final straw was when we

...