Best of the worst jokes ever.

[SlimSkeeter]

The other day I heard what was quite possibly the worst joke I have ever heard (not counting the Aristocrats joke, cuz thats more about making people sick) but I couldn't help but laugh, and I have since felt the need to share:

Whats red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

What are the worst jokes you couldn't help but laugh at?

Crappy assed thread this may be, but I'm tired and this is the best I could come up with on zero sleep.

[Blood]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.


Why do black people stink?
So blind people can hate them too.:yociexp37:

[Silly Cunt]

What's massive, green, and sits on the bottom of the ocean?

Moby's Dick.

[Polar Bear]

Dude, I love crappy jokes. I'm in.

Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
He was fucking dead.

Why did the second monkey fall from the tree?
The first monkey fell on him.

Why did the third monkey fall from the tree?
Peer pressure.

What's the difference between black people and a pile of dog shit?
After a while the dogshit turns white and stops stinking.

What goes red-black-white, red-black-white, red-black-white?
A wounded nun rolling down a hill.

And now, as a finale, I'm going to run through a short list of punchlines without the actual jokes so as to remove any possibility of them being funny:

"Superman, why are you always fucking with them niggers?"

"Well you couldn't be wearing glasses, you've got no fucking ears!"

"Rover, get the hell out from under there before he shits on you!"

"Well the first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

"No, me no fuckem deer. Asshole too high...run too fast."

"Hey officer! Come quick! Hold my ass while I pull the hares off my cock!"

[Silly Cunt]

Man walks into a shrinks office wearing nothing but clingwrap around his waist.

"Whoah, stop!" says doc, "I can clearly see your nuts."

[SlimSkeeter]

This is awesome! Keep 'em coming.

Punch line with no joke:
Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!

[Blood]

What's do a woman and a box of KFC chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box.


What do clouds and women have in common?

After they fuck off it turns into a beautiful day! :yociexp100:

[Violet]

My favorite joke ever:

What's black and white and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[Silly Cunt]

Why is truckload of babies better than a truckload of sand?

You can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.

[Silly Cunt]

Why don't Italians eat fleas?

They can't get their little legs apart.

[Titty]

What's yellow and black and screams?

A bus full of niggers falling off a cliff.

[CrAnIuM]

I hate you guys.

[Negativecool]

Went to the doctor's office the other day.
Doc told me I should stop masturbating.
Shocked, I asked him why.
He said "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"







No seriously though, true story...

[gigman]

If I go door to door campaigning for Obama, would that make me a nigger knocker? Ha Ha Ha

[Negativecool]

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs


Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often

[Negativecool]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

[Gravy]

What happened to the Lebo who had an abortion?
Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500!

What do you a Lebo who can surf?
Yusuff

What sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you all day?
A dialysis machine.

What part of a cabbage can't you eat?
The wheelchair.

[Gravy]

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Why do they keep a bucket of steaming dog-shit at an abo's wedding?
To keep the flies off the bride.

[dunamis]

What do you call a bold mattress?
Asserta.

How did the pepper feel when affronted by the salt?
Insalted.

What did the woman with allergies do when the federal agent raided her home without a warrant?
She sudafed.

I love puns, haha.

[Mamba]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

[Mamba]

What do you call an Indian lady sitting in front of an open fire with her legs open?

Singeit.

[Mamba]

What do you call a man with a bird on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man walking in leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug.

[Mamba]

What do you call a lifeguard with no legs?

Bob.

[Mamba]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

[Mamba]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

[Mamba]

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

Bison!

*groans with sheer crappiness of own joke*

[Mamba]

What do you feed an invisible cat?

Evaporated milk

[Silly Cunt]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila.

[Scabman]

My God, these jokes are horrible!

[Gravy]

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".


Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Silly Cunt]

Why did Barrack Obama have the biggest cock in the 4th grade?

He was 28.

[SlimSkeeter]

My God, these jokes are horrible!

That was the point.

Personally I think they are awesomely bad jokes.:10_003:

[SittinGrumpy]

A Very Puzzled Blonde

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

[mcsmc]

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.





...You did say bad joke thread.

[SlimSkeeter]

Sweet Jesus Resurrected! Its nice to see one of my first threads back on top *wipes tears from eyes* it just means sooo much!! *sobs and runs*


What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.





...You did say bad joke thread.


Yeah...have you read some of those others? I think mine might rival yours for one of the worst, though.

[CrAnIuM]

Man walks into a shrinks office wearing nothing but clingwrap around his waist.

"Whoah, stop!" says doc, "I can clearly see your nuts."

I may never stop laughing .... asshole.

[NiBBler]

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.



Typical MAN.

[Negativecool]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?





Where's my tractor?

[Josie]

What do you call a black man running down the street with a brand new guitar?



a musician, you fucking racist!


*compliments of skeeter

[Josie]

I'm gonna go on a really bad "nigger" kick, methinks.... If it's offensive to ya, I'm sorry. Not everyone has the same sense of humor.

[Josie]

http://nwitha.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/4v3ptz9.jpg?w=450

[Josie]

http://nwitha.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/emo_nigger.jpg

[Josie]

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.



*if any of the following are already in this thread.... oh fucking well.

[SlimSkeeter]

I am fucking crying I'm laughing so hard!!! :yociexp115:

[Blood]

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.

He emerged moments later after some more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

[Blood]

"Hitler was Jesus’ revenge." :yociexp45:

[Josie]

What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

[Josie]

Why don't sharks eat niggers?
They think it's whale shit.

[Josie]

Why do niggers cry during sex?
The Mace.

[Josie]

Why don't niggers take aspirin?
They refuse to pick the cotton out.

[Josie]

hehehe, who is it, nibbler's (?) son?

What do nigger kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.

[Josie]

Why do spics drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

[Josie]

What do you call an apartment full of niggers?
A COON-dominium.

[Josie]

What does a black kid say when he has diarrhea?
I'm meeeelting!

[Josie]

Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubic hair on their heads.

[SlimSkeeter]

Fuck-ton of jokes

And you told me you didn't know any jokes. Lucky I don't put you over my knee for telling dirty lies to Uncle Skeeter. :laugh:

[Scarlet]

What does a black kid say when he has diarrhea?
I'm meeeelting!

That's a really good joke...I love it.

[SlimSkeeter]

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners and says, "I'd like to have this stain removed from my shirt." But the guy behind the counter is hard of hearing, and says "Come again?" She says, "No, this time its ice cream."

[Scarlet]

^^^ hehehe

[Josie]

And you told me you didn't know any jokes.

I don't. Google does.

[joseph]

I like the jokes

[SlimSkeeter]

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?







You better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

[NiBBler]

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?







You better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
lmao

[NiBBler]

Sex In The Dark (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.html) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/pdf_button.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.pdf) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/printButton.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.html?tmpl=component&print=1&page=) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/emailButton.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/component/mailto/?tmpl=component&link=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5mYXJ0aW1lci5jb20vam9rZXMvam9rZXMtYXJjaGl2ZS80Mi1yZWxhdGlvbnNoaXAtaHVtb 3IvNTIxLXNleC1pbi10aGUtZGFyay5odG1s) There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[SlimSkeeter]

Sex In The Dark (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.html) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/pdf_button.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.pdf) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/printButton.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/jokes-archive/42-relationship-humor/521-sex-in-the-dark.html?tmpl=component&print=1&page=) http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/images/M_images/emailButton.png (http://www.fartimer.com/jokes/component/mailto/?tmpl=component&link=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5mYXJ0aW1lci5jb20vam9rZXMvam9rZXMtYXJjaGl2ZS80Mi1yZWxhdGlvbnNoaXAtaHVtb 3IvNTIxLXNleC1pbi10aGUtZGFyay5odG1s) There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

LOL

[StumbledOnaRock]

It's not politically correct to call a hoe a hoe anymore so now they are called Testicle Drainage Technicians.

A cop stops a prostitute and says "you can't be out here selling sex or I'm going to arrest you "....She says I'm not I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration !

A guy says he bought wife a mood ring so he would know what kind of of mood she was in ...his wife said well is it working , It left a Big Fuckin Red Mark on Yur Forehead!
Should have bought her a diamond.

There's a New Pill out for lesbians it's call, Trymenagen

[Titty]

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Please go away.

[StumbledOnaRock]

A man man says to his wife "Tell me something that'll make me Happy and Mad @ the same time " She says "Okay, Your Dick is Bigger than your Friends !"

There a New Vibrator Out for woman ,It's so Realistic that just before she Orgasms ,It Cums, Coughs,Farts,Goes Limp and Shuts Itself Off !

How is it you can Sue a Cigarette Company for Cancer and McDonalds for getting Fat but You can't Sue Budweiser for All The UGLY PEOPLE you Fuck?

I bought a Race horse and named him "MY FACE" he's not very good , But imagine all the people in the stands Screaming " Cum ON MY FACE " ! .............LOLAGE ! IT"S TRUE !

Why do midgets laugh when they run ? " The grass tickles Thur Nuts"

What's the most fucked up thing you can do to a blind person ? " Leave the plunger in the toilet !"

How are woman and tornado's alike ? They Both Moan like hell when they Come and take the house when they leave !

That's all Folks !

[StumbledOnaRock]

Please go away.
After you !

[StumbledOnaRock]

Please go away.
My jokes are even better than yours !

[SlimSkeeter]

What's the most fucked up thing you can do to a blind person ? " Leave the plunger in the toilet !

HAHAHA

[NiBBler]

How are woman and tornado's alike ? They Both Moan like hell when they Come and take the house when they leave !

Done that!

[Josie]

Who said beer won't make you smarter?

...it made bud wiser.

[Josie]

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

[SittinGrumpy]

While walking through Stanley Park in Vancouver, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just isn't gonna be your day, cupcake...

[SlimSkeeter]

one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sounds like my kinda weekend....

[SlimSkeeter]

When did Anakin Skywalker become evil?

In the Sith Grade.

[SlimSkeeter]

Why did god put men on earth?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

[SlimSkeeter]

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?


At least Phelps could finish a race.

[SlimSkeeter]

What do you call a barn full of black men?




Antique farm equipment.

[SlimSkeeter]

How do you circumcise a whale?



With four skin divers.....

[Josie]

one night a vampire walked into a bar and sat down and asked for a warm glass of water and the bartender said your a vampire dont you drink blood so the vampire pulls a dirty tampon out of her pocket and says im havin tea beiotch

[Josie]

one day a blonde was trying to proove to her husband that she wasnt stupid so she would make a turkey for supper.. when her huband came home he found her in the kichen wearing three jackets and asked her: y are you wearin all those coats? she replied : well the recipe said "for best results put on three coats"

[Scarlet]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

[SlimSkeeter]

What does a woman look like after not washing herself for a couple weeks?

























Ever see a peeled apart grilled cheese sammich?

(brought to you by the chick I'm seeing)

[NiBBler]

One man asked another, "What would you do if you woke up one morning, in the middle of the woods, with a used condom hanging out of your ass? Would you tell anyone?". The other guy replied " Hell no!". The first guy smiled and said "Wanna go camping?".

[Scarlet]

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there.
One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says
he would like to make love to her.
She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at
the home and get down to it.


The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to.
She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her.
He agrees and goes for it.


After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.


She says "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder.
It's been six years since I've been able to wipe my butt."

[SlimSkeeter]

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Scarlet]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice
he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat
in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his
voice, "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
career, the blind impresario starts the E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is,
dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with
his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the
place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this
impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little
Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".

Stevie is really fucked off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage - " OK smart ass, you get up here and do it". The little Chinese guy climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ............ "a jazz chord to say, I ruv you ...."

[SittinGrumpy]

I love this joke.....


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[SittinGrumpy]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at
A local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whipsers to her
Manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home, the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her". His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my
Teeth with her!"

[SlimSkeeter]

New research is going into a new drug specifically for depressed lesbians. The tentative name is Tridickagain.

[Scabman]

Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland.
Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith.

[SittinGrumpy]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown DC. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama,Hillary Clinton,Barney Frank, Harry Reid,Nancy Pelosi,Rosie O'Donnell,Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom....

Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection..'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'



About a gallon.

[Scarlet]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

[Guess Who]

what has four eyes but can't see?
mississippi

[SlimSkeeter]

^^^ That is actually well in keeping with the absolute spirit of what I started this thread for.

That''s probably worse than my initial joke.

Kudos.

[Scarlet]

A pilot gets on the loud speaker shortly after takeoff and says to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven-eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Sit back and enjoy the flight."
He forgets to turn his microphone off, and turns to his copilot, yawns and says, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna fuck the brains out of that pretty little blonde flight attendant working back coach."
His announcement goes over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant back in coach hears it and exclaims, "Oh my God!" and starts running up towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in one of the aisle seats stops her and says, "Relax, honey. He's gotta take a shit first."

[SlimSkeeter]

How do you kill a black widow?

Take away her food stamps.

[Scarlet]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

[D-Day]

A man decides to get a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says feeling really happy.

After that, he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the cashier the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look aboout 29".
"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell, and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brillant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[SlimSkeeter]

Q. How do you surprise Helen Keller?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

[InterStella]

What's orange, and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot.

[InterStella]

What should you do if you see a spaceman?






Park in it, man.

[SittinGrumpy]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.

[jeepneasy]

Why do poilce dogs lick there own ass.... to get the tast of black people off there tounge

[bahumbas]

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?







You better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

this is the best one ever.

[jeepneasy]

A white man gets a tatoo a black man on his arm.....20 minutes later his arm stops working

[sew watt]

I'm so glad my wife went on a holiday to the Carribean, she was driving me crazy.

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own free will.

============================

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He finally got his gas bill.

How do you get four homexuals to sit on a single barstool?

Turn it upside down.

What's the hardest thing about cooking a vegetable?

Putting the wheelchair in the microwave.

A doctor, a lawyer and a catholic preist are on the deck of the Titanic as it is sinking.

Doctor: "The children, the children. We must save the children".
Lawyer: "Fuck the children."
Priest: "Oh, have we got time?".

[Josie]

Ha! Kudos ^

edit: =( "must spread... etc."

[Scarlet]

Three pregnant women are all sitting around knitting baby clothes.

The first one says, "I hope I have a baby boy because I've knitted this lovely blue jumper."

The second woman then says, "I hope I have a baby girl because I've knitted this lovely pink jumper."

Then the third woman says, "I hope I have a spastic because I've fucked up these arms."